Opinion
Going on holiday with your ex doesn’t have to be weird. Just ask the Trudeaus
Kate Halfpenny
Regular columnistThe first move Justin Trudeau and wife Sophie Gregoire are making after separating is a smart, modern one: they’re off on holiday with their three children.
That action speaks louder than the stereotypical “respect for each other” Canada’s first couple wrote about on Instagram this week, in announcing their split after 18 years of marriage.
Justin Trudeau and wife Sophie Gregoire Trudeau in happier times.Credit: The Canadian Press via AP
Heading away en masse after a break-up is an emotionally intelligent start by the Trudeaus. It says they know you can change the parameters of a relationship without ending it.
It says they’re able to see past whatever ended their marriage and put their kids first. Many, many divorcing couples wave the doing-it-for-the-kids banner as they charge into vengeful battle in family law courts to burn down the emotional and financial empire they built over decades.
The poster child for preserving family in a different incarnation is Gwyneth Paltrow. After “consciously uncoupling” from Coldplay’s Chris Martin, she and second husband Brad Falchuk took the kids, plus Martin and his girlfriend Dakota Johnson, on their honeymoon.
Pretty out there, but it doesn’t mean it’s a celebrity stunt designed to sell an aesthetic message. It’s more proof, if you’re one of the 56,244 Australian couples who divorce annually, you can renovate your family and keep most of its foundations and walls, even if you lose the roof. That you can keep what holds everything else up – the love that brought you together, albeit a changed version of what was pledged at altars.
But be warned, Justin and Sophie. Your “many meaningful and difficult conversations” pre-split are baby steps into the minefield of awfulness that lies ahead, no matter how amicable your divorce.
It’s just ticked over to 10 years since my first husband and I separated after 23 years of marriage. A decade that feels both endless and really fast. Random things (hearing September, my eldest’s inherited looks, tinsel) take me back to that uncharted time when I mourned losing not just my present life, but my future.
The trick was having four or five baths a day. When the water was cold, I’d survived another hour to cross off my mental “When Will This End?” calendar. I regret not crying in front of the kids. What I saw as strength they saw as ice queen. “Did you ever even love Dad?” raged one.
Ha. Always did, always will. Which was why we worked really hard to have the divorce version of what returned soldiers called a “good war”. The goal: to come out of it only partially maimed and with dignity. To craft a new reality that preserved the best parts of us for us but also showed the children – the only audience we cared about – that we were still always a family.
Justin and Sophie Trudeau with their three children. Credit: Reuters
That meant no lawyers. No fighting over money or things. You want the Le Creuset, the photo albums? They’re yours. My friend Melanie, a family lawyer, says the key to avoiding divorce toxicity is to work out what your ex needs and give it to them. You gain more than you lose.
The care and compassion we had in the early days means since then we’ve plated up sausage rolls at our children’s milestone birthdays, hosted graduation dinners, gossiped on the sidelines at roller derby games.
This week we spoke about a flat one of our kids wants to buy. “Are the stairs wide enough for our grandchild’s pram?” Jay asked, which I loved. There’s no baby for now, just our still-shared dreams.
The truth is you can only divorce if you divorce. I’m so thrilled to have had an incredible second act in the form of my Chris – the man I needed without knowing it until there he was – but rebuilding takes courage and is excoriating. If you can, if you’re just bored and not in danger or despair, think about keeping what you have.
If you do take that final step, model the Trudeaus start of the end. Keep it classy. Care for each other. As much as you’re hurting, someone else is too.
Kate Halfpenny is the founder of Bad Mother Media.
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